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*Deep Breath*

Panic-attack

Panic-attack (Photo credit: Wikipedia)

I had a bunch of positive posts to polish off today but my mood wont allow it right now…Beth needs some virtual hugs and positive thinking …I’m not sure if I can do this anymore :/

Just stupid little things getting to me and building up and I cant control it. like today we were messing around in bed (not like that) and I straddled him pinning him down with my knees and telling him about something – I don’t know what but lets say a dream for arguments sake. He lay there with his eyes closed listening and I told him I wanted to show him or re-enact a situation which had occurred -my impression of a facial expression or whatever i.e. ‘do a really bored/uninterested look and I will show you what they did….‘  He wouldn’t open his eyes…So I pinched him -which made him open them wider than usual lol but then he shut them again. It was stupid but it went on for a few minutes and it really hit a nerve.Not wanting to show him how stupidly offended I was getting I went to move off him but he held me there (playfully don’t worry) and he said ‘no no where do you think you’re going?  I thought you were telling me a story etc….’ but I couldn’t say anything because I would have burst out crying. I said it didn’t matter and tried smiling/shrugging it off which then made me sound like I was being purposely awkward so we both gave up and went on with our morning.

I don’t know if anyone knows what I’m talking about or why I got so upset…I’m not even sure I know…after all he had just woken up and he said his eyes were still heavy…we have all been there but I suppose the obvious thing is the lack of eye contact. Me straddling and him with his eyes shut is all too familiar for me; we haven’t done ‘bedroom stuff’ that way for a while now and I think being back there…even fully clothed with nothing sexual going on …well I’m clearly not OK with it. Is this what people mean when they talk about triggers? Things that hit a nerve and take you back to somewhere you really don’t want to go? Or is this just expected in my situation? I mean its still only been… almost 3 months since all of this kicked off so maybe I just haven’t progressed enough in that situation for me to be able to get past it?

It frustrated me…why the fuck cant you just LOOK at me when we are like this? It offends me…Why cant you look at ME when we are like this? it upsets me and it worries me…WHAT are you thinking about, what are you trying to block out? I’m getting to the point where I’m fed up of trying to figure it out, trying to second guess everything he says and does. I just want us to be NORMAL!

THEN there’s that fucking paranoia. The lack of therapy…’hes lying’…’hes acting’…the porn!  Last time it had taken over a little too much I was sent a link by Mocha (check him out btw) to an eBook about positive thinking…I read it in an afternoon, I enjoyed it and it made sense.

‘A particular train of thought persisted in, be it good or bad, cannot fail to produce its results on the character and circumstances. A man cannot directly choose his circumstances, but he can choose his thoughts, and so indirectly, yet surely, shape his circumstances.’
‘Self-control is strength; Right Thought is mastery; Calmness is power.’

I.e. Good thoughts = good things

But how CAN I always think good thoughts when the reality isn’t always good? Or when the thoughts are of the negative actions of someone else? -i.e. my husband. I’m struggling to find the balance…I mean I’m all for positive thinking and positive energy but it cant stop someone else from screwing you over and it cant change what’s happened can it? Pushing your gut feelings away and forcing good thoughts…ignoring your instincts despite past experience…making yourself believe good things when things are shitty…isn’t that denial? isn’t that unrealistic?

We both had the afternoon off together and he wanted to show me a few videos of a game show he used to watch but I had never heard of. I was on the laptop when he remembered the name of it and with that he whipped out his Xbox controller and got the video up online using that!….I had forgotten that internet explorer and youtube existed on his xbox… (stupid) so THAT raised the anxiety up a few levels but how am I meant to then keep thinking good thoughts knowing that’s there…unlimited…unblocked…while I’m out at work in the evenings.

How am I meant to stop thinking about the fact that porn is actually everywhere?…accessible everywhere…anytime…anyplace… even in a power cut there are still magazines…even in bed with me he has his images. There’s no end to it.

How do I stop wondering whether or not he will break the little bit of trust we have built back – and my heart- all over again by logging on and getting off?

How can I stop the thoughts that he’s still doing it regularly behind my back…because I don’t understand how else he would be doing so well without it?

How can I stop the thoughts that the past has taught me to have? The thoughts that are there to protect me from getting so hurt IF it happens again? He’s shown me that he can easily hide it from me, he’s shown me how naive I’ve been for not suspecting a thing…  he’s shown me how he can lie to my face every single day for over a year! How can I turn that into a positive?

How can I stay positive knowing that I do NOT trust my own husband to respect me enough to refrain from doing it? <– THAT hurts!

I cant stand it…it makes me panic, it makes me feel sick it puts me on edge to the point of breaking. I’ve just told him (through tears) that if he hurts me (porn/secrets) one more time I WILL be gone. I wont WANT to …but I NEED to and I WILL walk away. I can not take any more hurt. I told him I didn’t know what was real anymore and that it scares me. He held me tight for a long time and told me that it wont happen, he’s not going to hurt me and he is being himself with me… no major acting (aside from the usual that we all do i.e. ‘I’m fine’ when he’s actually pissed off and tired from work etc) and no more lies. I’m forcing myself – willing myself to believe him…what more can I do? Right now all I am hanging on to is hope…and my positive genuines:

  • He is work-free, paid and booked in with his therapist this weekend so something will be progressing after that and hopefully it will take the edge off for me
  • Today I managed to tell him something which was hard for me to say (the above) and it felt better knowing that he understands where I am at with all of this and reaffirming the consequences
  • We are going on a date this weekend which will give us a chance to dress up, get out and just enjoy each others company

‘Time heals almost everything…give the time some time’

xBx

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Posted by on June 1, 2013 in Uncategorized

 

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