I did this. I numbed myself, I pretended it wasn’t happening. I shut myself away, I lived on autopilot. I didn’t look up places to live or removal companies because I refused to believe that any of it was real. He didn’t mean what he had said…this was just some fucked up dream…or nightmare…that I willed myself to wake up from.
I still slip back to denial occasionally, there are times I flat out refuse to believe that this is happening to us. I analyse everything and find a reason behind it, ‘he MUST have loved me…otherwise…’; sometimes its just easier to imagine that this isn’t happening. It gives me a break from having to come to terms with reality.
I think a lot of the time I have to justify my choice to stay with my husband to one of my friends who is very ‘anti’ sticking this out. She thinks I’m in denial…but the truth is I have made up my mind. I have thought it through. Im a very logical person and yes its easier to see the wrongs or rights in other peoples lives but i have to deal with my own life, i have HAD to learn more about it and I feel i have to try. I know its not going to be easy…but marriage ISNT always easy…life isn’t always easy and I cant keep running from things…I don’t WANT to run from this.
I have stopped talking to her about it and therefore avoid seeing her as much because her responses are quite negative due to knowing everything about the past issues. Hearing about your friends husband taking the piss and watching porn and lying…well of course that’s going to get your back up and get defensive; but surely learning that he’s been doing this out of a (possible/probable) medical condition rather than through simply being a dickhead…well surely that kind of explains the past behaviour? Surely that kind of cancels it out? Its hard enough trying to get my own head around all of this without having her tell me what’s right and what’s wrong.
Aside from that I think my denial has also been my way of keeping it to myself, saying ‘we are fine’ to family members who don’t know what’s going on isn’t denial is it? That’s just me not wanting to worry them about something that is -firstly very personal but also something that (I hope) will get better. I don’t want them to jump to conclusions like my friend has, because I’m going to do what I want, what I think is right…and if it goes tits up then fair enough. But family and friends are meant to support you no matter what aren’t they?
- DENIAL….I wonder (kitkat199.wordpress.com)
- Stage 1 of Grief-Denial & Isolation (horoscopes.typepad.com)
- Hope is Denial (mymendingwall.com)
- Grief. Understanding And Surviving It. (littleblogoflettinggo.com)
- The stages of grief (sixwordsblog.wordpress.com)