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Category Archives: Honestly…

#13 As sick as your secrets

**Continuing on from my last post (here) ***

Number 9 Sign

Number 9 Sign (Photo credit: tedeytan)

In order for this to make as much sense as possible, its probably a good idea to read back (if you haven’t already) about our rating scale technique – posted here.

After telling me how he knows he can trust me and explaining that its hard to tell me the things he WANTS to tell me let alone the things he’s not ready to talk about yet…he then said something which made my heart stop.

“I’m really tempted to tell you my 10…but I don’t feel like it’s right yet…

so are you ready for a 9?”

Of course I wont go into detail of it here but that 9 of his was shocking…and not in the way you would assume. what took me by surprise was how NORMAL his 9 was…this massive secret which he was too scared to say to anyone for his entire life…this 9 out of 10 on the scale of difficulty…was something so…common that had I not known it was a ‘9’ for him i probably wouldn’t have batted an eyelid if he told me.

I’ll give you what I think would be a (fictional of course) comparison of this ‘9’ of his…

  • ‘I wet the bed till I was 11’
  • ‘I still cry at Disney films’
  • ‘I’m afraid of the dark’

Of course the content was a relief…you would assume something as hard to disclose as that would automatically mean it’s something bad but -like she said before- it’s not always the content that is hard to tell…it’s just that its something of his. What has blown my mind repeatedly in all of this is how little he has ‘Googled’ about this stuff…because if he had then he may have worked out by now that he is not weird…or that other people go through this stuff too. Regardless, because I knew how hard it was to tell me- BEFORE he told me, I was able to react in an encouraging way. Instead of shrugging it off i thanked him for letting me in, instead of giggling or making an inappropriate joke i was able to take it seriously and actually listen to what he was telling me but most importantly i was able to reassure him that he is not a freak…that he shouldn’t feel ashamed or embarrassed and that this thing is more common than he realises…I was able to put his mind at ease -so in that sense the rating scale saved the day as without it i probably wouldn’t have reacted – or appreciated it – the same way.

His therapist had explained to me how he should be telling himself ‘its ok…nothing bad happened’ at any times when he does something which he sees as a ‘fuck up’ – for example spilling a drink like I explained in the post about the oxygen mask…OR when he tells me something of his. So again I was able to remind him of that once he told me his 9- literally by telling him ‘see…nothing bad has happened…its ok’ and then physically by keeping my body language the same, by kissing him etc -My health and social care teacher would be proud lol…those A levels are really paying off now ha ha.

He allowed me to ask questions so I started slow and eventually (a handful of questions later) we got to a point where he didn’t want to talk about it anymore so I let it go and we carried on as normal (see…nothing happened!) I thought it only fair to share one of my higher numbers with him to even the score but again, seeing as I’m probably a bit too open all i could find was a 5/6…that being a poem I had written on the Community Storyboard about cuddling him in bed (here) The reason that was a 5/6 was because its my true feelings about us and its MY blog but I shared that with him (whilst hiding behind a pillow) and he liked it so I think we both felt a little lighter after that- and closer to each other too.

For me to find a 5/6 is pretty rare…there’s not a lot that i wouldn’t tell him or share with him…or not much that i would find difficult anyway… but there was ONE other 5 that I let him into and that was meeting BeetleyPete a few weeks ago. For me meeting Pete (and Mrs Pete) was important to ME. It involved going somewhere I usually go by myself…one of my happy places I suppose (which I don’t have many of now I live here) and introducing my husband to THE blogging legend himself. It was something I was looking forward to and I was almost a little bit protective of…something I didn’t want to be tainted by anything or anyone…something for me…which I allowed him into…something I shared with him. THAT was hard for me to do…but I did it…and nothing bad happened 🙂

Another thing his therapist had explained during that session was what he would feel like after divulging something of his; and so with this information and knowing how big this secret was for him I was prepared for what happened next. I knew how shit he would be feeling…and it was obvious that he was; He said he felt physically sick and that night he asked me NOT to cuddle him in bed (and apologised for asking lol) But i understood why he was being that way so did whatever I could to make him see that no matter what I was still here for him and that this secret had not and would not change anything. For the next few days he was a little bit ‘off’ but I was able to let him ride the wave without giving him too much shit for being in a mood and keep reassuring him without actually making a big deal out of it.

Its been a while since his 9…and he’s back to normal as far as the aftermath of it goes but he’s still not ready for his 10…and I am not pushing for it. Its good to know he felt safe enough to open up to me – and that I knew how to handle it once he did; I think – for us- this was a major breakthrough, I feel closer to him – almost smug actually lol- and I hope he feels closer to me too…but most importantly I hope I have shown him that it IS ok to let me in…because nothing bad happens when he does 🙂

xBx

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#12 Here’s looking at YOU

Cut Eye

Cut Eye (Photo credit: lindes)

One of the big highs over the last month I suppose was when we made some progress in the bedroom. I’m not sure how many of you would consider what I am about to tell you a ‘high point’. What we do is by no means ‘normal’ but its what works for us in our situation and has progressed and evolved to suit us over time. Of course its still not ideal but you work with what you’ve got don’t you?

Usually we would have intercourse and then I would straddle him and ‘give him a hand’ to him help him finish. It worked but the lack of eye contact made me feel shit. Over time we had removed barriers and things got better but every now and then the insecurities and embarrassment crept back in. – I posted about that here

Well for a while its been difficult, both going through stages of awkwardness, emotions making it either amazing or non existent… Triggers preventing me from wanting to do what we usually do so for a while we had “normal” sex and after he would “do himself” while I lay with him kissing him (and him kissing back) for us that worked. (Again I posted here about it) We both had fun and we both got the release which usually comes from sex. For us – with our history considered it was a mini breakthrough… Knowing he would still climax with me kissing him and touching him… Being there with him in a loving way and not just another hand helping him out.

Well at some point I was laying next to him and just kept thinking how wrong all of this was, THIS was not what I pictured my sex life to be like… my marriage to be like…I felt so irrelevant… So unnecessary… So useless. I could feel my stomach turning and my eyes watering and realised this wasn’t the first time I had felt like this…THIS was turning into a trigger for me. It was at that point that I thought…NO! This needs to stop now. I am NOT going to let myself feel like this, I am NOT going to do this more often than I want to just to stop myself worrying about him sneaking off for a wank if I say no! I will NOT lay here and feel like shit to -in essence- cock block my own husband – I shouldn’t fucking have to! At the end of the day if he WANTS to sneak off for some DIY then he will regardless of whether we went through this 2 days before or 2 hours before…there is nothing I can do about it and really what good is it doing? its not, its giving him a release and every time its making ME feel worse…its letting him have it his way while my confidence slams lower and lower every time he squeezes his eyes shut to block ME out! that is not taking care of myself. I either need to take control of this and protect myself or get the hell out before I get dragged down any further, I can not live this way forever.

I said nothing about it to him and instead vowed to say no more often, to say no unless i was actually in the mood for it, unless i felt confident enough for it…WANTED enough. no kind of game playing involved here by the way, this wasn’t some kind of ‘turn him down to make him want me’ game…this was me growing a pair and putting my foot down. So for the next few nights I said no. I told him I would rather ‘cuddle’ tonight (lol) and in truth it WAS nice just cuddling and talking, it took away that anxiety.

Eventually, I felt stronger again and we did our thing and instantly I felt better for holding off on it, it felt less wrong and more right. Obviously the set up was the same but I was doing it because I wanted to which took away a massive amount of doubt and insecurity. This time the kissing was more passionate too – rather than going through the motions…it was more intense…more enjoyable. Afterwards we lay together and out of nowhere he said

 ‘you did that’

-Not understanding what he meant he explained that he had been thinking about me/us the majority of the time rather than focusing on those intrusive thoughts (that he wont tell me as he’s ashamed of them) Surprised and confused – as before he could only really ‘get off’ if he let those thoughts take over and any ‘normal’ (according to him) thoughts were pushed aside- he explained that the more we have been doing it like this…kissing etc he’s been thinking more and more about us rather than the other stuff.

THAT was amazing to hear, he had offered up that fact without me asking for it, he told me because HE felt good about it…proud i suppose as until this point for him those thought have been all he’s ever had so for him to be able to push past that was a breakthrough for him…and sharing it with me was a breakthrough for US too. It reminded me that while I cant always see – or don’t always realise- the baby steps we are making…HE is making his own and when he is ready he will tell me.

Eyes Wide Open (Gotye song)

Eyes Wide Open (Gotye song) (Photo credit: Wikipedia)

For a while after that we were feeling positive, our confidence grew and I even ventured back to our original ways without feeling sick about it. One of the things that had kept putting me off was the lack of eye contact so I had almost trained myself to not make eye contact with him during ‘his turn’ – to avoid seeing him squeeze his eyes shut so tightly I suppose :/ But like I’ve said before we all close our eyes when we are in the moment, we all have random/irrelevant thoughts coming in and out of our heads sometimes…the difference being that we don’t always SHARE them and most of us don’t have thoughts that overrule everything else.

Well…recently he’s been keeping his eyes open 🙂 and he can still manage to climax lol. Again, he made a point of telling me (in case I hadn’t noticed) because HE felt good about it and because HE was making progress with his own demons. Of course its not nice to have felt like this before and making eye contact with your wife…or just being able to LOOK at your wife whilst being intimate shouldn’t be a big deal…but for us it is and ultimately its not about the way I look, it’s not ME putting him off. This is a big step for him towards letting go of the things that hold him back, towards letting ME in to his world…

xBx

 
16 Comments

Posted by on July 4, 2013 in Honestly...

 

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#11 Remember the time…

Making Memories of Us

Making Memories of Us (Photo credit: Wikipedia)

Last week I wrote about the irony in my favourite song -posted here if you’re interested. (Not the song pictured above)

Whilst writing it my heart broke all over again, the emotions came back and the tears flowed. My husband was in the shower at the time and although I had composed myself/wiped my face by the time he came back my eyes were watery and it was obvious something was wrong.

Him: Why are you sad?
Me:  *shrugged and shook my head* It doesn’t matter
Him: Well it does, what is it?
Me:  I was just thinking about stuff
Him: What stuff was it?
Me: Nothing worth thinking about babe honestly … Nothing good anyways :/
Him: (Therapy techniques kicking in) What can I do to change that?
Me: It’s past stuff so can’t be changed
Him: …

…But we ARE changing it 🙂

Touché

Reading this back I realise how difficult I’m coming across lol but sometimes it IS difficult with things like that because i want to tell him everything and share everything with him but at the same time i don’t see the point in opening old wounds for both of us and almost reminding him of how much he has hurt me. I mean he knows how I feel about the song now but maybe not in detail – he knows the basics though.

Its like when you reminisce about good times with someone every now and then; a thought of a good time pops into your head and you tell that person and it makes you both feel good at the memory of it…‘oh remember that time we went on that really romantic trip to Paris and we ate crepes off a prostitute and shagged in a 5star hotel…’ but should i be sharing my bad memories with him every time i have them? ‘remember that time we got married and it turned out you didn’t actually feel anything for me…’ ‘remember that time i caught you watching porn…’ ‘remember the time you ruined my favourite song on earth?’

Is it part of the healing? is it helpful to both of us rather than just me?

Back to being positive… ‘we ARE changing it‘. Without even knowing the context he’s right…we ARE changing things, obviously you cant change the past but you can learn from it; you can take steps to change yourself and your future…and that’s what WE are doing. (slowly)

I hope that one day I can listen to that song and hear a completely new meaning. I hope that one day that one line will make me smile thinking about the journey WE have been on and thinking back to how much WE have overcome…together.

xBx

 
8 Comments

Posted by on May 31, 2013 in Honestly...

 

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#10 Responsibility

On the edge II

On the edge II (Photo credit: Wikipedia)

‘Yes…but its understandable’

As I headed out for work a few evenings ago I tried to stop my eyes from flickering towards the open laptop as I asked hubby what he had planned in his few hours of freedom. (thinking…do I WANT to know?…porn porn porn)

Closing the laptop and putting it away he said  ‘well when you get back i need to get online and research this stuff i wanna get for the garden…oh and check my bank balance and stuff but while you’re out ill probably play on the Xbox and get my lunch ready for work tomorrow…’

I asked why he was waiting for me to get home before going online and he said it was because he knew how it made me feel knowing he was browsing (alone), he didn’t like making me feel like that…plus there was no rush to look at it so it could wait.

I couldn’t help but smile at that reply but at the same time i hate it :/ I don’t LIKE feeling this way, I had been doing fine and as far as I’m aware he hasn’t been looking at porn… our sex lives have improved massively…more often…he initiates…more relaxed…more fun…happy endings and wotnot etc etc BUT like i said before everything seems to be going a little too well …to the point where i am now on edge waiting for my bubble to burst yet again – and I hate that.

I hate that I think that way, that I’ve now managed to go into reverse and into paranoia territory. I feel like I’m turning into (yes turning I’m not quite there yet) some over sensitive, over protective…demanding wife and I’m worried that I’m really going to push him away at the moment (ironic or what) but i wouldn’t blame him…I mean I don’t think he’s planning on leaving me anytime soon or anything BUT I don’t like the way I’m being so I don’t see why he would either. It’s just not me.

I mean, I’m not overbearing right now, not to him at least…I don’t say everything I think or voice all of my annoying anxieties so he’s only exposed to about one third of the crazy that I’m encountering. but still…he obviously picks up on some stuff as he now knows how uncomfortable it makes me feel.

I suppose its like waiting for an alcoholic to fall back off the wagon after the first few days of sobriety…surely for him -if he really did have a porn addiction – he would be having major withdrawals by now right? So in my mind he’s ready to crack any day now…or maybe he’s put things into perspective…maybe now the subject has been discussed between us AND with professionals he’s realised how destructive his actions were…that it wasn’t addiction…just lack of respect and understanding?…I don’t know… I think once he gets back into the routine of therapy I’ll feel better as we will be moving in a direction rather than sat in limbo again.

I asked – ‘doesn’t that make me like some crazy, paranoid laptop security guard?’
Him: ‘yes…but its understandable’
Me: ‘IS it understandable though? i don’t LIKE feeling this way…BEING this way’
Him: ‘Yes its understandable, I’ve made you feel this way and I’m going to do everything i can to earn your trust back’

…it never hurts to hear him accept responsibility.

xBx

 
23 Comments

Posted by on May 25, 2013 in Honestly...

 

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#9 I’m glad you stayed

‘I’m glad you stayed’

Question Mark Graffiti

Question Mark Graffiti (Photo credit: Bilal Kamoon)

Those questions from THOSE arguments (here) and (here) kept niggling me…what is it that he thinks about while with me? What could be so bad  (according to him) that he wouldn’t tell me? What IS his secret?

I sat down with him, nervous and told him there was something I needed to ask him…one question -possibly 2 depending on his answer.He asked if- seeing as it was obviously going to be something he doesn’t want to talk about – it could be a yes or no answer. I said no…but it could be multiple choice. So I asked…

Is this ‘thing’…this bad thing…is it something you have done? Something someone did to you? Or something you witnessed happening?…He said none of the above.

I tried to question more but he answered with overly vague replies, so, with my mind blown I shut down. I could not take any more cryptic clues, I couldn’t pretend I was ok with not knowing anymore and I couldn’t continue to try and piece together the puzzle. With that I told him I was going to bed.

He asked why…because I wont tell you something that I’m not ready to talk about?

I shouldn’t have…but I exploded…
‘NO because I physically, mentally and emotionally can not take anymore, I do not have the energy to try to work this out, to try to understand something I’m clearly not going to know. I can not wonder anymore, I have no way of preparing myself for yet another bombshell which I KNOW is coming and its literally driving me crazy. I’m sorry, I understand that its hard for you but I DO need to know this ‘thing’ at some point, I’m not demanding to know right now but I DO need to know eventually…otherwise I cant stay with you.
I’m sorry but I just cant, I mean what is it that you think will happen if you tell? Do you think I will leave you? (maybe) do you think you’ll go to prison? (no) (phew) do you think you’ll be sectioned?? (possibly)
The chances are you WONT be sectioned IF you get help, IF you start talking to your therapist…HONESTLY….
You have all these people who love you, who want to help you and you wont let them do that. You need to help YOURSELF or this ‘thing’ will take over your life even more than it already has, you WILL be alone because you will push everyone away who gives a shit and you will let this thing WIN! Do NOT let it win!! Fucking fight it!

shout

shout (Photo credit: Krista Baltroka)

By this point -as you can probably tell by the capitals I was shouting…and god it felt good…but then he spoke…

He said he understood that I would need to know, that I SHOULD know but that he has never had anyone to talk to about this stuff before and he is learning to talk about it with the help of his therapist. She is helping him open up one step at a time, it would take time but he wants to get to the point where he can overcome whatever ’it’ is, where he can understand himself and where he can be open with me….

For him that is a really good response. Usually he would have just walked away and given me space to calm down but he actually stuck up for himself, listened to me and responded in a way which showed that he realised the positives of going to therapy. He ‘gets’ that its necessary, he understands the point of it and he’s obviously taken in what she’s been saying in session. However, still in explosive mode I shot back ‘GOOD! It will be nice when you realise you CAN talk to me…your WIFE…the one you TRICKED INTO MARRYING YOU!!’

*ouch*

Even HE -the one who feels nothing- looked hurt :/ With that I went out for a breather and let it all sink in.
Shit…Well done Beth! Talk about risking undoing everything by not thinking before you shout!

I went back in. I apologised for saying the harsh stuff, explained that I could have worded it much better BUT its frustrating as fuck and I just want to help him. We cuddled up and of course considering the effect his cuddles usually have on me (see previous post here) I softened and allowed the tears of frustration to flow while he stroked my hair (wanker)

I told him that whatever IT was….it wouldn’t make me love him any less, it doesn’t necessarily mean ill stay regardless but whatever it was has happened, it cant be changed, but it doesn’t have to rule his life anymore.

He squeezed me and said ‘I’m glad you stayed, I’m glad you didn’t go to bed and I’m glad you told me that’ I was glad too…

xBx

 
16 Comments

Posted by on May 2, 2013 in Honestly...

 

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#8 Cuddles

Cuddle

Cuddle (Photo credit: philipstorry)

‘I like that you told me I give the best cuddles ever

and then you called me a wanker’

Its true…I did say that. I was having a really up and down day and as soon as he cuddled me everything felt better.

I’ve always loved his cuddles and I do believe there is a lot involved in the art of cuddling. He’s taller than me but not by much so we just fit during cuddles; I think smell has a lot to do with it too, his smell is one of my favourites…added to the length of a hug and the tightness of the squeeze… the lack of back patting occurring…I hate being patted on the back during a hug and thankfully he doesn’t do it.

And even though he is my favourite person to cuddle…or be cuddled by…sometimes I wish he wasnt lol -don’t you hate that? Lol when you really want to dislike someone for hurting you but ultimately they’re the person who makes you feel so much better.

Of course by now the want to dislike him has faded a bit and we are making progress but even when it first happened, that night he left all I wanted was a cuddle from him…and THAT is why I called him a wanker afterwards lol
(Just to clarify he didn’t LIKE that I called him a wanker – he did laugh though)

xBx

 
13 Comments

Posted by on April 24, 2013 in Honestly...

 

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#7 Big Kid

Fix-It Felix, Jr. and Wreck-It Ralph

Fix-It Felix, Jr. and Wreck-It Ralph (Photo credit: Sam Howzit)

‘I liked watching Wreck it Ralph with you…’

Well who wouldn’t? I mean COME ON im a big kid when it comes to kiddies films and that one was amazing! I want to live in that land…forever 😉

xBx

 
8 Comments

Posted by on April 22, 2013 in Honestly...

 

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