I read a post a while ago which mentioned a story about not thinking about monkeys (you’re thinking about monkeys aren’t you?) Its found here http://liveuntil.com/2013/04/09/crossing-the-never-ending-bridge/ and it really got me thinking…and then confused me…and then made sense again so apologies if this post turns into a ramble but I needed to get this written down (Maybe someone can analyse and clarify my thoughts)
From what I understood the point of it was about allowing yourself to think about things which you’re trying NOT to think about- for example a bad break-up- in order to move forward; because if you try NOT to think about it it will haunt you and won’t help you to heal.
A few weeks back while my husband was on nights my gut feeling came back about his… “DIY”. I flat out asked when the last time was and he admitted that it was that morning… In the shower BUT no porn was involved and that’s the first time he had done it at all since shit hit the fan.(high5 for gut feeling)
He asked if I was angry… And I wasn’t (on that occasion) I GET that he needs a release and to be fair our sleep schedules were completely opposite, I hadn’t been in the mood for it and blah blah blah I was OK with it – that time- and explained the difference between what’s acceptable and what’s not and he agreed. (Before any w*nkers (lol sorry couldn’t resist) jump in and tell me it’s just a bit of fun please read my back-story and then feel free to comment)
HOWEVER after that every time he’s getting in the shower or I’m leaving him alone I will say “don’t wank” to which he replies.. “I won’t”… Which brings me back to those monkeys… “if you force your mind to travel in a certain direction, it will go the other way.”…Isn’t it like reverse psychology? Aren’t I tempting him with the idea every time I say it? On the flip side I can’t imagine ever saying “have a fiddle today darling” or “knock yourself out baby” -like you would if using reverse psychology- because I genuinely believe he would take it as bible and go to town without feeling any guilt – and I simply can’t take any more knocks to my confidence.
So what’s the solution? Why do I keep torturing us both by saying it at least once a day? I think it takes me back to an ex of mine who was the biggest wordsmith EVER. He was charming, he was friendly, he lied through his teeth in every conversation (are you starting to see a pattern?) he would find loopholes in the simplest sentence to continue a lie:
‘Did you sleep with her?’
‘No’ (because instead of sleeping we did X Y and Z)
He would never admit to twisting my words but in time I learned to ask him anything in every variation of question in order to get a truthful response and consequently we didn’t last.
Now that I know about my husbands impulse lies (and masturbation secrets) the old me has resurfaced but this time instead of asking I flat out dictate my expectations… And it’s horrible… But what else am I meant to do? I really want to trust him… (about this) But I don’t (about this) and it’s not surprising is it? In my head if I state the “rules” there is no confusion.. There is no loophole and there is no excuse… But its not healthy is it? However somehow it seems to be swaying towards a positive; Maybe I’m looking at it wrong…
A few times I have stopped myself from saying it just to see how i would feel and on returning home he will say (unprompted) “I didn’t by the way” … Is this him coming to terms with the damage he has done and understanding how I feel? Realising that i need reassurance? He’s also been initiating bedroom stuff (I’ve eased off lately) so I know he’s telling the truth as far as his solo activities go and it’s nice to know that he’s putting in the effort and realising how to make “us” work a little better.
So perhaps the monkeys do apply… but in a different way. Maybe forcing his mind to not THINK about ‘DIY’ was tempting him more before it was out in the open…..Maybe instead of secretly thinking about actually doing it (and us both ignoring the issues) by laying it out on the table its forcing him to face his demons…or monkeys which in turn is helping him heal (get over it)
OR maybe I’ve just rambled myself silly…Does ANY of that make sense? lol Thoughts please…
- Me and Monkeys (bobbylepinay.typepad.com)
- Bieber monkey situation ‘heartbreaking’ (belfasttelegraph.co.uk)
- Woman claims she was raised by monkeys (mnn.com)
- When All Else Fails,Try Reverse Psychology! (psychologytoday.com)
- This is What Happens When you Use Reverse Psychology During USA Visa Interview (happyschoolsblog.com)
- Reverse psychology (felixthegrey.wordpress.com)