Bullshit Ahead warning in style of warning road sign (Photo credit: Wikipedia)
***If you’re having a nice relaxing morning then I suggest you avoid this post for now…apologies in advance for excessive swearing and exclaimation marks***
What’s the point? Why am I bothering putting myself through such utter bullshit?? (actual question btw- reassuring answers would be great right now)
The fear of wanking is taking its toll on me – like I said in a pervious post (here) every day I assume he’s doing it behind my back . He will tell me that he hasn’t … But why would I ever believe anything anymore? I flat out DON’T believe anything he says. Every time he looks me in the eye and tells me something I feel sick to my stomach knowing that he’s probably lying through his teeth – regardless of whether its about anything of importance or not.
It makes me feel sick knowing that I honestly can not tell the difference between a truth and a lie. He gives nothing away … And I’m fucking married to this man! A man who lies! Every single day! To the woman he married because he tricked her into believing he loved her.
How fucking cruel!
He initiated sex today. Our shifts left us with some free time and for once we actually took advantage of it. Without going into too much detail he will satisfy me and then I’ll return the favour. That’s the norm for us.
Usually it consists of one of us being blindfolded so that he doesn’t see me “pull any judgemental faces” and put him off… But lately it’s him blindfolded every time… To block me out entirely- mortifying. If the blindfold isn’t to hand he will go out of his way to cover his face and if that doesn’t work be just shuts his eyes the whole time.
It’s no secret that he thinks about porn while with me but for him to “use me” for a ‘visual‘… And then block it out in favour of other things… Well it’s shitty. So today I asked what it is he thinks about. Fuck it I want specifics, I want to know what exactly it is that he chooses over me, what it is that can do it for him while I can’t… And why shouldn’t I know? I wouldn’t be angry – we’ve already established its porn so WHAT else is it? What type? What kind? What fantasy? I just want SOMETHING that lets me in to his mind…but I got nothing. He tried to deflect asking why I wanted to know etc, saying we had been over this before… And that sometimes he thinks of me.
Yes but what do you usually think about? – what did you think about THIS time?
He refused to tell me… Just like he refused to tell me what the source of all of this is…
There and then I told him its pointless, makes no sense and a is fucking joke, grabbed my keys and drove away as fast (but safely) as i could.
XBox (Photo credit: Sheryl’s Boys)
I’ve been sat in my car- in my little bolt hole- for the past hour furiously smoking, writing this and trying to calm down. Thankfully I have my counselling session in an hour (which hubby doesn’t know i have booked) so I can go there before going home and give him a bit longer to sweat about it… Or just play Xbox… Or just wank all fucking day!
I’m Feeling like I really don’t know anything about my own husband and that’s really fucking stupid. Why am I still with him? What exactly am I getting out of it? Shall I just live with some guy I don’t really know and we will both lie to each other and pretend everything is fine?? Shall we sit in front of the fire and have deep and meaningful conversations about our past? Our present? Our hopes and dreams for the future?… No because it’s all bullshit anyway so why bother?
I know I know some things are allowed to be private…some fantasies are allowed to stay secret…to stay fantasies…but come on…I know NOTHING real about this guy! Besides, I’m not like that, I am an open book. I have told him everything, I WOULD tell him anything. I have literally given myself entirely to this guy is it really THAT unfair to ask for SOMETHING in return? He knew from the start that I was honest, that I don’t DO bullshit…
So how the fuck did I get to be in a situation like this??! I try not to think like this every single day, I try not to turn it round on to me, not to do the whole me me me why meeeee thing…I try to look for those silver linings, to find the positives and find SOMETHING good to (basically) hang on to but some days…like today I just cant ignore those kinds of questions. I’m not strong enough to keep it up every single day and fuck it…I’ll say it whilst doing my best spoilt brat tantrum foot stamp…It is not fair!
I see no silver linings in this… Just bullshit.
Hopefully I will be able to update this ‘explosion’ with something positive by the time it gets ‘published’
xBx
***update: Its been a few days since writing this and I have calmed a lot – to be fair I had calmed a lot by the time I went back home that day. I saw my counsellor who pointed out a few things and gave me plenty of food for thought- but I will leave that for a separate post. I did however figure out the silver lining in this -all by myself (be proud) and its this: He did NOT lie. When I asked him what he thought about he COULD have flat out lied; he COULD have said anything to make me feel great at the time…but he didnt. No he didnt tell me what it was, but he didnt lie about it either…and thats more than I can say for our past so I suppose that will have to be my focus on this one***
Comfortably Numb 
PetiteMagique
April 27, 2013 at 9:33 am
Hugz!
Comfortably Numb
April 27, 2013 at 10:29 am
Thanks xx
Thumbelina81
April 27, 2013 at 10:24 am
Am glad you are calmer now, and look forward to your post with your counsellors notes., Take care and sending love your way.
Comfortably Numb
April 27, 2013 at 10:31 am
Thank you, Its taken me a day or 2 to get my head around it all so the posts will be up in the next few days xB
greenembers
April 27, 2013 at 10:54 am
I’m not in the best frame of mind this morning, but I’m glad you were able to find a silver lining! 🙂
Comfortably Numb
April 29, 2013 at 6:06 pm
This comment slipped through the net – sneaky sneaky lol. Thank you, hope your mind frame is better now ? XB
beetleypete
April 27, 2013 at 11:03 am
I might have to risk being a bit unpopular here, but I cannot stop myself. ***BLINDFOLDS!*** So he cannot see your facial expressions, and they don’t ‘put him off’ ? I have to applaud your honesty B, but come on, that just isn’t right. Perhaps as a sensual treat, a small romantic titillation, but EVERY time, (‘That’s the norm for us’) that doesn’t fly.
The deeper you get into these posts, the more concerned I get. If you were my daughter, I would be driving over to try to persuade you to get your bags packed, and bringing you home with me. Something is fundamentally wrong about all this. Speaking purely as a friend, and appreciating that you need take no notice of me, I believe that you should seriously be considering moving on. Sorry to be negative…As ever, Pete. X
Comfortably Numb
April 27, 2013 at 11:58 am
Let it all out Pete I appreciate it (honestly)
Yup, blindfolds. Back when sex and his “happy ending” was the only issue the blindfolds and the fact that I could satisfy him (or anyone other than himself really) was – WAS- a major breakthrough for “us”.
At first it was fun, it was a means to an end (for want of a better phrase) he said he was embarrassed and ashamed and felt insecure so to go from lights off to lights on was a big deal… But then came the blindfold and it didn’t feel right, I figured out quickly that there was more to it but figured It could be worth sticking with it and it was probably just my insecurities creeping in .
But then came the revelation of thinking of porn the whole time and everything made sense.
From then I wore the blindfold, that way There was no excuse, no looks, no insecurity … But I sneaked a peek and he still had his eyes closed … Thinking of other things and forcing me out of his mind… Degrading.
Since then I have “misplaced it”, but he finds other ways. It’s put me off and lowered my self esteem massively (unsurprisingly) and I don’t initiate it anymore.There’s a post coming up which looks at this more but I agree, it’s not on however it’s part and parcel of this whole situation really isnt it? He’s obviously got issues and something needs to change… Perhaps it’s aggressive stuff, perhaps it relates to the abuse he (may have) experienced… I don’t know.
Part of the reason i asked WHAT it was he thought about wasnt so i could reenact it etc, it was so i could understand SOMETHING about whats going on inside his head. So i could make sense of it.
im not saying I need to accept it and keep feeling like this at all, I know that’s not right, I also know I need to tread carefully. The boundaries have been blurred and I don’t know what’s acceptable and what isn’t anymore – from him OR my response.
I just don’t know what else to do Pete
xB
Fat Bottom Girl
April 27, 2013 at 11:41 am
You know how it is sometimes said, never ask a question you don’t really want the answer to, or never ask a question you don’t already know the answer to…either way, when you ask a question, you’re opening yourself up to the possibility of being hurt or being let down. Our need to know things drives us, but often we find out things we could have lived without knowing, even been better off without knowing. It’s a real Catch-22. Just protect yourself dear, & go with what your gut is telling you.
Comfortably Numb
April 27, 2013 at 12:04 pm
Thank you, I have stopped myself asking before now but there comes a point where you just can’t ignore it anymore.
I already knew he thought about porn while with me – that’s hard enough to come to terms with but you know when you only know half the story? Your mind wanders and you often end up imagining much worse than the reality. It’s kind of like that but at the same time I just want to understand SOMETHING about him, about his mindset, I want to know and I want to understand.
I know I probably wouldnt like the answer – any answer other than “I think about you baby” is a shit one right now but I want to be let in to what I’m really faced with. Maybe it would give me an insight into what’s to come? Maybe I’ll get it… Maybe it would explain everything, maybe THATS why he doesnt want to tell me… Maybe it’s a man! Who knows? … He does… Lol xB
crazybunny66
April 27, 2013 at 12:44 pm
I know you said before that councellor sessions had to be private but I do think that keeping you in the dark like that will not change anything and if he is even lying to the councellor how are you going to get to the bottom of this? And by putting “keeping you in the dark” I mean it both ways, literally as well as figurative. He obviously knows what´s the cause of all this and if he doesn´t own up then I don´t think there is much hope for you two. Sorry, but I am with beetleypete (again), reading this scares me and I fear for you, not physically of course. Yes, it is good that he did not lie to you, this time, but he still knowingly hurt you. And so far he is making the rules here and that´s not right.
Comfortably Numb
April 29, 2013 at 6:09 pm
I agree and thank you for the comment. I don’t know the answers but I do know that we discussed it more over the weekend and I understand a little better – I think. I need to get it all written down now that its not so fresh and try to figure out how I’m
Feeling and where to go next xB
John W. Howell
April 27, 2013 at 1:12 pm
Small corrections in a thunder storm (I am not going to leave the flying metaphor alone) allow for self corrections. BTW sitting in a Bolt hole full of smoke must have been a sight
Comfortably Numb
April 29, 2013 at 6:10 pm
Ha ha stick with it, I like them 🙂
daredodie
April 27, 2013 at 3:26 pm
I’m really glad you have turned to therapy as an option! At least you are fighting for what you want. Sex is a HUGE deal when it comes to marriage; it builds trust, keeps the fire alive, and keeps you close. But him using that blindfold 24/7 was like putting a wall in between you two, I’m happy you caught onto that. Most women would just want to keep their husbands happy and not question it. Just know you are doing everything right. You are doing something, which is more than what most people do in marriages these days. I hope things progressively get better for you!!
Comfortably Numb
April 29, 2013 at 6:12 pm
Thank you, we discussed it more over the weekend and I told him exactly how it made me feel etc (I’ll post about it once I’ve caught up myself lol) it was definitely a relief to say it outloud and he understands, explained a few things and WANTS to find a way around it or a solution so that’s a good thing xB
behindthemaskofabuse
April 27, 2013 at 9:08 pm
I know this was a few days ago, but as someone who has been abused, I might be able to give you an idea here of what’s going on…This is something I just admitted to my Hubby and never to anyone else ever. Hubby and I have been married almost 10 years. What often turns a person on who was abused, is the way they were abused, so if they were raped…rape could be the turn on. If that’s the case here, then there is also a whole lot of shame and embarrassment attached. No one wants to feel that way. It’s like a kid, being abused and if feels good because their body is responding, they are actually disgusted.
I know for me, if the lights are on, I dissociate. I don’t think of anything else to turn me on, I just dissociate. I’m much better with the lights off, then I’m not embarrassed and ashamed about how I look.
I don’t know if any of that is helpful.
Comfortably Numb
April 27, 2013 at 11:04 pm
Hey you what email address are you using? as the one on your about me page just sends it back x
behindthemaskofabuse
April 28, 2013 at 12:22 am
really I had no idea it send it back thank you for letting me know!
http://www.tellsafe@hotmail.com. If for whatever reason that doesn’t work, you can try http://www.buckwheatsrisk@gmail.com
Comfortably Numb
April 28, 2013 at 11:35 am
Did that one come through? XB
behindthemaskofabuse
April 28, 2013 at 3:01 pm
got it just going to read it now. 🙂
Kira
April 28, 2013 at 12:08 am
I have to have lights off for the same reason. I always have to have my shirt on when I have sex…I don’t want them to be able to see my body.
behindthemaskofabuse
April 28, 2013 at 12:21 am
I’m sorry you feel that way too, I’ve felt so alone being this way. I have to have my shirt on at times too, and when I don’t it’s again mind over matter.
I guess we have our abusers to thank for this. 😦
Comfortably Numb
April 29, 2013 at 6:16 pm
Im sorry you feel that way
I was like that, Not comfortable in my own body at all – though probably for different reasons. I think we all have our hang ups – some for better (or worse) reasons than others (for want of a better sentence lol). I got more confident though – especially with my husband – but for now I’ve gone backwards. Hopefully one day I’ll feel better again. xB
Kira
April 29, 2013 at 7:17 pm
I am comfortable with my daughters dad…but I need to stay away from him on that side of things 🙂 I hope you will get your comfort back again too, Beth!! xoxo
Comfortably Numb
April 29, 2013 at 7:30 pm
xxx
runningwithoutsocks
April 29, 2013 at 12:51 pm
(Disclaimer: Let me know if my honesty is out of line, I have nothing but good intentions) I’ve said this before and I’ll say it again. You’re a very strong person for staying in this relationship and trying to work it out, but I worry that you’re so afraid of letting go that you’d rather put up with this. Yes, you have to work at it for it to work out, but I get the feeling that you’re putting way more into this than you’re receiving. Also, there’s a thin line between a silver lining and an excuse – be sure that this is what you want! I don’t mean to be negative or to throw you off or create more doubt than I’m sure you’re experiencing, but in order to help someone you should help yourself first. Remember that you’re just as important here, if not more!
xx
Comfortably Numb
April 29, 2013 at 6:26 pm
Thank you hun, not out of line at all. I value all comments regardless of whether I agree or not (or whether I like what they say lol)
I agree, I need to focus on me more, after counselling last week and an emotional weekend I am trying to do things for me, to look after myself and to find happy stuff for myself.
I disagree with the silver lining thing though, well I do and I don’t. Yes there is a thin line between excuses and linings but I don’t believe I have crossed that yet.
I don’t do bullshit (not aimed at you lol but at my situation) , I don’t take things lying down and I fight for what I love and or believe in so although I am still here I HAVE thought every thing through every step of the way – and will continue to do that.
No I don’t get as much back as most people would expect in a relationship – or a marriage even- but I do get some (good) things back and right now that’s enough for me. Of course I would love the rest along with it lol but I’m working with what I’ve got and WE are working towards making it better. xB
runningwithoutsocks
April 29, 2013 at 6:43 pm
I admire your strength and he’s a lucky man to have you! I truly hope for the best for you and the both of you together because you deserve it!
Comfortably Numb
April 29, 2013 at 7:29 pm
Thank you xB